Restless

Restless ayon kay Merriam Webster "Feeling nervous or bored and tending to move around a lot, not relaxed or calm, unhappy about a situation and wanting change, having little or no rest or sleep"

This must be the perfect word to describe me the past few weeks. I'm writing just because I want to lay it all out and maybe try to understand how I am going to deal with my situation. I am at this point wherein I am easily triggered to cry. Walang araw na lumipas hindi ako naluha, ni hindi na ako namimili ng lugar kahit sa jeep naiiyak ako (feeling ko akala ng iba nakipagreak boyfriend ko sa'kin kaya ako naiiyak sa public place haha). Hindi ko alam kung ang hina ko o sadyang ganto ko maglabas ng pagod ko. Araw-araw ko pinapaniwala sarili ko na kaya ko; na may mailalabas pa kong effort na kakayanin ko onti na lang. I'm telling myself na it will all pay off at the end... Pero alam naman nating laging mahirap yung process. Seryosong hindi ko alam paano ko magsu-survive sa mga susunod na araw. Iniisip ko pa lang ano pagdadaanan ko kinakabahan na ako, hindi ko alam pano ko magagawa lahat ng tama. Pinagdadasal ko na lang na sana pagtapos ng buwan na 'to buo pa din pagkatao ko kasi unti-unti na kong nilalamon ng sistema eh.

Hindi ko alam panong diskarte gagawin ko sa buhay ko. Parang wala akong matapos. It's frustrating. Buong araw laptop na kaharap mo pero hindi ka matapos kasi minsan pinipilit mo na lang may magawa. Magpapahinga ka pero di ka talaga makapagpahinga kasi nagi-guilty ka sa oras na lilipas na sana may nagagawa ka. SO ANO NA BES HAHA. Hindi ko talaga alam ano gagawin ko,magagawa ko ba talaga kailangan kong mga gawin? Aasa ba kong magagawa ko sila? Hindi ko na alam ano pa isa-sacrifice ko... parang ubos na ko. Nakakasawa mapagod, nakakaumay marinig sarili ko na sinasabi kong pagod na ko at ayaw ko na. Hindi ko alam if ako lang ba talaga o talagang dadating sa point na ganto maramramdaman mo sa sitwasyon na meron ako ngayon eh. Ilang beses ko tinatanong sarili ko normal pa ba nararamdaman ko, tinanong ko na din 'to sa iba ehh kasi na-alarm na ako. Hay. Last na 'to gusto ko ipromise sa sarili ko, kasi sa mga susunod na araw wala akong ibang sasabihin (SANA)  kundi LABAN LANG orrrr KAPIT LANG BES HAHAHAHA. 

Salamat sa mga taong nagtiya-tiyagang kausapin pa ako kahit wala na ko kwenta kausap kadalasan dahil wala na akong matinong input. Salamat kasi di kayo napapagod pakinggan yung rant ko sa pagod ko. Salamat sa pagremind din sa'kin na kumain ako kasi napapabayaan ko na talaga sarili ko. Salamat sa naiiyakan ko kahit para kong bata na humahagulgol dahil di ko kinakaya binibigay ng mundo sa'kin ngayon. Salamat sa mga nagdadasal sa'kin kasi yun pinaka kailangan ko ngayon.

Sabi nga sa kanta:

"Cos what if your blessing come through rain drops

what if your healing comes through tears

what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

Pray for me. Please. That I will not lose the little faith I have for myself. That I can still make it through all these. That I may hold on to what matters most. That I may be able to lay it all on God.

HAAAAAAY

Sa bawat araw na lilipas paniwalain mo sarili mong kaya mo
Tandaan mo, ikaw ang nagpapatakbo ng buhay mo.
Dalawang bagay lang 'yan
Susuko ka o lalaban ka?
Kung susuko ka, di matatapos ang hirap na nadaranansan
Kung lalaban, pwedeng matalo ka, pero masasabi mo sa sarili  mong sinubukan mo
Pano kung magawagi ka sa laban na 'to?
Hindi ba't masarap sa pakiramdam na kinaya mo dahil pinagdesisyonan mong lalaban ka?

Huwag kang malunod sa problema
Umahon ka
Lumaban ka
Huwag kang mawalan ng pagasa
Dahil ikaw ang pagasa ng bawat tao na tinutulungan mo
Isipin mo magagawa mo para sa ibang tao
Puso lang sabi nga nila
Balikan mo kung anong rason bakit mo ginagawa 'to
Dun ka magsimula
Ipaalala sa sarili nang hindi maligaw
Konti na lang, kaya yan.

Quiet Solitude

We all have scars. We all have stories to tell. We all have these memories that are too ugly that we don't really want to visit. You might be someone who had been through so much that you don't want people to experience the same pain that you've felt before.

Here's my prayer for anyone who is in deep water...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all you ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3: 5-6

"Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it costs all you have, get understanding" Proverbs 4: 5-7

Answer me quickly, Lord: my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, and for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life" Psalm 143:7-8

Father, I plead to you that you may lead me to the things that you want me to understand. I do not trust myself for I know that my knowledge is limited and I may be biased on how I perceive the events that are happening right now, Teach me your ways so I may be directed to the place that you want me to be. Help me to understand what you are teaching me right now, help me forgive despite the pain, help me change the things that are not pleasing in Your eyes and give me courage to do so. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

YOU ARE CALLED FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS

TO TURN TO GOD

NOT TURN AWAY

Setting yourself apart from the chaotic battlefield in your mind. Focus on what God is trying to tell you... You might have an idea of what God is planting in your heart but you are refusing to let it sink in. It's a common defense mechanism that we do; we refuse the truth and we try to manipulate the situation to what we want it to be. It's our fallen nature. Do not feed your mind with thoughts that will corrupt your character. Always remember that you are loved by the greatest lover, He chose you to be His treasured possession.

You are where you are for a reason. Try to look past the pain and see what God is teaching you. Oftentimes when God is telling us something and we are too stubborn to listen... Things may seem to constantly happen and this is in a way God is telling us to pay attention and take action.
"always learning and never be able to arrive to the knowledge of truth" 2Timothy 3:7
Feed your mind with the Truth for you know in your heart that this is the only cure. For everything is temporary in this world... Pain, exhaustion, anger, doubts and even your happiness. It will always die down any other way. But God's Word is forever. MERONG FOREVER OKAY?
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" 2Timothy 3:16

During my quiet time I asked God to guide me and help me as I write another entry because it has been so long since the last time I've written something lengthy. And these are the verses that I've been led to. Soooo let me share to you these harsh truths:

"but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death" James 1:14-15
Selfishness is the root cause of sin. We think too much of ourselves that we forget who we hurt along the way and also, we don't realize that during the process we hurt ourselves too because we are too blinded by our own desires and we end up wounded.

"We have so much to say about this, but it is hard to make it clear to you because you no longer try to understand. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food!... But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil" Hebrews 5:11-12,14 
HARDDDD!! But really! Sometimes we must go back to where we started. The times when we knew how to think straight. The times where our standards haven't been compromised yet. We have to admit that there are times that you think you got it all figured out but breaking news! NA-AH! Sometimes the simple things are the things that we tend to disregard. We've compromised so much to the point that we forget what should really matter. You forget that you are already loved, that you are a new creation, that you are worth more than many sparrows, that you need not to exhaust yourself in performing for God because really it is a heart matter, that you shouldn't be afraid of change because God is control, that what you see now is just a bit of what's yet to come and that God's promises will never be broken and that the end of the day, it is only God that you can trust because if you put your trust on something or someone other than Him you know that it's only about a matter of time that you'd be let down again.

"The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Some have departed from these and have turned into meaningless talk" 1Timothy 1:5-6
We talk too much. Actually sometimes there's no depth in whatever we converse about. Sometimes we also avoid talking about the important matter. Another thing that struck me in this verse is about love... LOVE is the GOAL. And how do we know if this is the right kind of love? It comes from a PURE HEART-GOOD CONSCIENCE-SINCERE FAITH. Now, isn't that clear enough?

I don't know how to end this but... Let us all assess ourselves. Forgive people who hurt you. Forgive yourself too. Forgiving can be really hard but you have to do that in order to have peace. From there have a fresh start; move forward and be wise.

To the one who has been there for me through thick and thin

First of all, I want to tell you that I love you. This heart of mine is yours; I am hoping and I am praying that it will always be yours even when it is hard to love. This overflowing love has taught me things that I never knew was possible. You have a way of capturing someone's heart and changing it for good.

Second is I am sorry. I'm sorry for the times that I may have compromised my time for things that are not as important as spending time with you. Sorry for being a coward; for not fighting the right way. I knew at the back of my mind what's the right thing to do but I still did it my own way.

Third is thank you. Thank you for loving me even when I am unlovable. Even when I am stubborn. Thank you for looking after me and letting me feel loved in so many ways that you could possibly do. Thank you for letting me decide for my life and still catching me when I stumble.

Lastly, I am looking forward for more years to come to be with you! May this love grow more in knowledge and understanding and may this relationship grow more in faith :)

Jesus You are my everything and regardless of the painful experiences I had been through this year, I am still looking forward to what is yet to be unfolded. with You God, I am satisfied.

When things fall apart

When things fall apart...

What do you do

and

what keeps you grounded?

This season has really been exhausting. I sleep with a heavy heart, I wake up tired and I go on a day with fear inside. Though on the outside I may seem to be keeping up well with life, on the inside; I am shattered. These pieces of me seem to not fit where it should be. I keep searching for the answers... Finally I am able to think straight.

I have asked God why does this keep on happening to me, what does He want me to learn from this situation. I wish I knew the answer to this; but I won’t get tired of asking. Others may think that failures are imperfections. I disagree on that. I believe that everything is created perfectly; that things are the way they are for a greater purpose that we may not see in a micro-view.

"Jesus did not heal those he healed because he saw their condition as imperfect. He healed those he healed because he saw those souls asking for healing as part of their process. He saw the perfection of the process"

I know that others may think that believing in God’s sovereignty and His greater plan is just a mere excuse for a crushed dream. Others may also say that those who are His would automatically live a favored life. Those are false notions. We all experience suffering and pain. It is up to you if you would let it dictate the way you are living. It is okay to cry, it is okay to feel lonely, it is okay to feel the pain... I am not telling you that you have to always think positive because even I can’t do that especially when you are on the verge of drowning in your troubles. But here’s something that you should say to yourself when you are at your lowest...

"It is not struggling that the process proceeds. It is in surrendering that the victory is won"

In the story of Job, the devil even asked permission if he could test Job. God allowed this to  happen for He knew that Job is His. In the same way nothing happens without the approval of God. Nothing in this life is coincidence everything is part of a grand design.

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other" Ecclesiastes 7:14

Let this be a reminder that whether things don't go the way we thought it would be, God made it happen for a reason. God allowed it to happen because He knows we can get through it and we can only do this with Him.

When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong,

when the pain is real, when it's hard to heal

when my faith is shaken and my heart is broken

and my joy is stolen

GOD I KNOW THAT YOU LIFT ME UP

YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE ME SEARCHING

This song reminds me of Psalm 46:1-5

"God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth may give way and the mountain fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.

GOD IS WITHIN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL; GOD WILL HELP HER AT BREAK OF DAY"

To answer the question I raised, When things fall apart... I cry. I cry A LOT. Sometimes I don’t even mind where I am, who I’m with. I admit that I am weak that I cannot do this alone. Even words of encouragement from people wouldn't suffice the comfort that I am longing for. And that leads to my answer to the second question, what keeps me grounded? Simply GOD. I cannot imagine how I’d be able to survive this pain without Him. He redirects me to what I should be focusing on. He searches my heart and clears my mind to be able to think straight.

As much as I would like to say that I am okay... I am still in the process of getting there. I know I will be fine whatever happens. And you too, whatever it is you are going through I cannot say that I understand you because every suffering is different from another. Just always keep in mind that God knows what your heart desires.

Waiting Season

Patience is quite rare nowadays. People would always want to get things right away. We tend to settle for whatever is convenient. But have we really thought of what we really want? Or what our heart really wants? Or have we even thought of what God wants for us?

Sometimes we say that we have prayed for things before taking action, but have we really? Maybe we are praying for the things that we want but our prayer seems to be manipulative. Remember that you are not God. Remember, HE IS THE ONE WHO IS IN CONTROL.

Don't rush things that are meant to be appreciated as it blooms. The beauty of the waiting season is something that you should keep in your heart and mind. Always keep in mind that God has always the best intention for us; He has something bigger than what we are asking of Him. Is it too good to be true? Let us put our trust and hope in His plans for us. for He has made everything beautiful in its proper time (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and He promised us that those who hope in me will not be disappointed (Isaiah 49:23)

IN TIMES OF CONFUSION

"I think I'm not meant for this field. I think I'm just pushing myself into something I cannot achieve. I think I should pursue him/her. I think he's the one. I think she's the one." SO MANY QUESTIONS. These are some of the common lines that are overly used. But really... ARE YOU SURE? Did you really think things through? Or probably you've been carried away with the spur of the moment or the superficial things that your eyes have seen or the current feelings that you are drowning into. It is really complicated. I am even guilty of it. But I have promised myself and I promised God that I will never decide without His approval. I don't trust my judgment on this. Only His say will matter. Call to me and I will answer you and tell you  great and unsearchable things that you do not know (Jeremiah 33:3) I pray for a mindset like Jesus. I want to think like Him. I want to have a heart like His.

IN TIMES OF DOUBTS

Let this season strengthen the relationship that you have with God. Our goal is to live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. Wherever we are in our walk with God may we be able to devote everything that we do for His glory. To honor Him through having a pure body and spirit. We cannot do this alone, we can't achieve this by our human strength. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26) We can never be too busy for God. If it is not your priority then you don't really make time for it.

IN TIMES OF TEMPTATION

As we grow older we are more exposed to what the world has to offer. There's even an easier access to sinning. It seems easier to fall into these wrong patterns; for our mind has been corrupted thinking that when majority does it, it becomes OKAY. Let us not let these mundane events lower our standards of what we deserve. It is still our choice if we'd follow the world's standards knowing what God has promised us. The Lord will guide you always, he will satisfy your needs in as sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden. Like a spring whose waters never fail. (Isaiah 58:11) Let us not use the freedom that we are privileged to have to indulge the desires of the flesh.

MY STAND

1Corinthians 15:10

But by the grace of God I am what I am , and his grace to me was not without effect. I will forever be grateful for the moment that God has rescued me from the rabbit hole that I was in. I am always reminded of where I came from and this isn't something that makes me regret the decisions I made. Because through that rough patch I am what I am now. but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. (John 9:3) I am humbled that He chose to rescue me that time, that I am now His treasured possession. Because of this, I am not going to let anything or anyone sway me. For I am fully His. I will commit fully to the work of the Lord because my labor is not in vain. BELIEVE. For if their purpose is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop those men; you will only find yourselves fighting with God. (Acts 5;38) Believe when you know your stand is rooted in God's standards, it will not fail. If this is the will of God for you, claim that it will happen in the proper time. GOD'S TIME. 

Appreciate the Waiting Season for it is the time when you are being shaped by God to be the person you are in Christ.

Why I like Valentine's Day

Valentine's Season would pass as one of my favorite events in a year. Not because I have a date (well actually I don't date but I get to spend it yearly with friends) but this season makes everyone so vocal about LOVE. It's the season wherein you'll hear people talking about how they want to make someone feel special in their own way and being thankful to their loved ones. BUUUT that is not actually the reason why I love this season; I actually fancy this time because it makes everyone think about love itself. Before, I realized that I was just in love in the idea of love that is depicted by media or you might not even admit or notice it but the "love" that is urged by selfishness. but as I grew older I have come to realize what love really is and these verses would suffice what your mind's asking for:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It ALWAYS PROTECTS, ALWAYS TRUSTS, ALWAYS HOPES, ALWAYS PERSEVERES"
1Corinthians 13:4-6

After reading that, why don't we assess ourselves and think deeply DO WE REALLY KNOW HOW TO LOVE? Have we ever achieved every single point that was written?

Last month as I was preparing for our VGroup's topic: Guarding Your Heart there was a part about God's unconditional love for us. Then it came to my mind about the popular line in the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower. (Funny how my other friends thought about it too when we gathered together, anyway...)

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

But in God's love... NOPE

WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE DO NOT DESERVE

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us"
Romans 5:8

SINNERS that's who we are but He loves us anyway. For how many times have we sinned against Him and for how many times have we disregarded His grace. Everytime we run back to Him He takes us arms open wide that's how much He loves us. Having a relationship means that you care about how the other person feels. Just like having a relationship with Him; He loves us unconditionally and in return we don't want to hurt Him so we try our best everyday to become a better person to glorify His name.


So this Valentine's Day I would like to just say that Jesus, thank You. For this life, for every chance you give me to become a better version of myself. I love You :)

There are also some people that I would like to honor; my parents. Mom and Dad, thank you for being my inspiration even when I was little I admired the love that you have for each other. Because of you I even then believed that a love as strong as yours are for real. Despite the distance and all of your differences, you love each other anyway... always. I am really blessed to have you as my parents and thank you for being patient with me, soon enough it will be my turn to take care of both of you.

To my friends, whom I yearly spend Valentine's Day with. More Valentine's Day to come!!! I'm perfectly happy to be able to enjoy this day with you guys. I just hope to those who are still going through a rough patch that you may be able to hold on to God and let Him heal your hearts and may you continue not to lose hope in being content with what you already have. Remember you are loved!

Lastly to my future love, if you ever exist I would just like to tell you that you won't be my number one priority. Because God will always be the first :) and please be patient because I'm still a work in progress and there are dreams that I would like to fulfill first.

HAPPY HEART'S DAY!

Made New

For the ones who are lost

For the ones who are blinded by the things that they thought ruled their lives

For the ones who think that they can no longer fix their lives

For the ones seeking for the answers

I'll share my story of how I learned the true meaning of happiness... :)

I am Agnes Valenzuela, 20 years old. College student.

For the past 20 years I have been lost. Searching for things that I thought would satisfy my needs, my ego, my existence. For the people who knew me, they may say that I am the type of person who's always smiling, and laughing; in short I seem to take things lightly even at times when things don't seem to work out the way I planned it to be. They say that people who appears to be happy all the time dies inside. Well... I can say that yes, partly this is true for me. There are really times where I tend to hide all the negative feelings I have and just try to act like nothing's wrong. But well in fact I am already hurting.

All those years I was looking for love and security. With all my effort spent... I wasn't able to find it. All those things I thought I can find with a person; I thought I can find it with achievements too. BUT NO. All those things are fleeting. It was temporary. Sometimes it is even wrong. I made a lot of mistakes. I have sinned, too many times that I can't even count or even remember them. I was so ashamed of what I've become. I can no longer face tomorrow for I thought there's no better day that is for me to see. There also came a time when I forgot my worth. I thought that I deserve all the pain and failures that I am suffering that moment. Poor self-esteem. Poor self-concept. I thought that there was no more way out. I thought that I would be living this way for my entire existence. That once ruined... forever ruined.

I can still remember my prayer during the time when I was really down. When everything seemed like getting crushed. I told God: "Lord, if this isn't for me please take it away. I can no longer bear the pain". God answered my prayer. Yes it was really painful. I was convincing myself that it will all get better and I was telling myself not to look back. We all know that recovery takes time. Sometimes we think that we're okay but something can trigger us and bring all back the pain. It is true TIME is a great factor. That there's a time for everything. ( Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 ) 

I started the year with my goals; to FIX myself and to have a closer relationship with my family. Yes, I've accomplished those two goals. But I felt like it wasn't really a hundred percent accomplishment. I felt that something's lacking. I thought I was okay. But sad to say; even though I have forgiven all those who hurt me I forgot one thing... I haven't forgiven myself. I already had a mindset that all the mistakes I've done defines me. That I can no longer regain myself.

Looking back I've realized that I forgot about Him. That it was so superficial. I may know God. But all I have was just an idea about Him. I know facts about Him because it was taught in school since I was a kid. But I didn't realize how amazing He is. We can easily say that we believe in Him, we have faith in Him. But those are just words. We can utter them without truly living the words we speak. Then I started to seek Him. It is only by having a relationship with Him that you can know Him. I was so eager to learn about Him.

You know what happened next?

I've come to realize that being punched in the face is painful

BUT

being punched in the face by the truth is much more painful

Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free ( John 8:32 )

ALL ALONG I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT I ALREADY HAVE

Oh Lord why does this have to go this far?

Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not what is seen, but what in unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ( 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 )

It says here that do not lose heart for all those suffering shall pass. That these sufferings will lead us to eternal glory and truly we would forget all about the pain we've undergone because it is nothing compared to what we'll receive from God. Like what I told you earlier all the things that I was looking for, I tried to find it with something that is temporary and nothing in this world is permanent. It is only God who remains the same. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) and you we shall not lose our hearts, we shall not lose hope because the Lord said that Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6)

How many times have I questioned myself, even the people around me or even God... WHY ME? Why do I have to experience these things? Why do I get hurt this much? Why do I keep on failing for how many times? What have I not done?

The story of Joseph made me realize that I blame no one for what I have experienced. That those who people who hurt me along the way... I thank you. Because I wouldn't be the Agnes now if those things didn't happen. And it is God's will. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God ( Genesis 45:8 ) and truly everything happens for a reason... but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in Him. ( John 9:3 )

I was looking for love, security and forgiveness... All those things I can only find in Jesus Christ's dying in the cross. See how significant the cross is to us? The cross is greatest demonstration of love. Just think of it, God sent His only son to the earth to suffer in the hands of the humans. He loves us so much that He sacrificed His only Son. Jesus Christ who had no sin took our place for us to be righteous. He redeemed us so that we'll receive the blessing. With that one act all things I have found.

I want to share this to you because like any other people, I was once a slave of sin. But with God, He made me new. And I want you to experience this as well. A life with God everyday is truly a life worth living for :)

That in all things God may be glorified