For the ones who are lost
For the ones who are blinded by the things that they thought ruled their lives
For the ones who think that they can no longer fix their lives
For the ones seeking for the answers
I'll share my story of how I learned the true meaning of happiness... :)
I am Agnes Valenzuela, 20 years old. College student.
For the past 20 years I have been lost. Searching for things that I thought would satisfy my needs, my ego, my existence. For the people who knew me, they may say that I am the type of person who's always smiling, and laughing; in short I seem to take things lightly even at times when things don't seem to work out the way I planned it to be. They say that people who appears to be happy all the time dies inside. Well... I can say that yes, partly this is true for me. There are really times where I tend to hide all the negative feelings I have and just try to act like nothing's wrong. But well in fact I am already hurting.
All those years I was looking for love and security. With all my effort spent... I wasn't able to find it. All those things I thought I can find with a person; I thought I can find it with achievements too. BUT NO. All those things are fleeting. It was temporary. Sometimes it is even wrong. I made a lot of mistakes. I have sinned, too many times that I can't even count or even remember them. I was so ashamed of what I've become. I can no longer face tomorrow for I thought there's no better day that is for me to see. There also came a time when I forgot my worth. I thought that I deserve all the pain and failures that I am suffering that moment. Poor self-esteem. Poor self-concept. I thought that there was no more way out. I thought that I would be living this way for my entire existence. That once ruined... forever ruined.
I can still remember my prayer during the time when I was really down. When everything seemed like getting crushed. I told God: "Lord, if this isn't for me please take it away. I can no longer bear the pain". God answered my prayer. Yes it was really painful. I was convincing myself that it will all get better and I was telling myself not to look back. We all know that recovery takes time. Sometimes we think that we're okay but something can trigger us and bring all back the pain. It is true TIME is a great factor. That there's a time for everything. ( Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 )
I started the year with my goals; to FIX myself and to have a closer relationship with my family. Yes, I've accomplished those two goals. But I felt like it wasn't really a hundred percent accomplishment. I felt that something's lacking. I thought I was okay. But sad to say; even though I have forgiven all those who hurt me I forgot one thing... I haven't forgiven myself. I already had a mindset that all the mistakes I've done defines me. That I can no longer regain myself.
Looking back I've realized that I forgot about Him. That it was so superficial. I may know God. But all I have was just an idea about Him. I know facts about Him because it was taught in school since I was a kid. But I didn't realize how amazing He is. We can easily say that we believe in Him, we have faith in Him. But those are just words. We can utter them without truly living the words we speak. Then I started to seek Him. It is only by having a relationship with Him that you can know Him. I was so eager to learn about Him.
You know what happened next?
I've come to realize that being punched in the face is painful
BUT
being punched in the face by the truth is much more painful
Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free ( John 8:32 )
ALL ALONG I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT I ALREADY HAVE
Oh Lord why does this have to go this far?
It says here that do not lose heart for all those suffering shall pass. That these sufferings will lead us to eternal glory and truly we would forget all about the pain we've undergone because it is nothing compared to what we'll receive from God. Like what I told you earlier all the things that I was looking for, I tried to find it with something that is temporary and nothing in this world is permanent. It is only God who remains the same. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) and you we shall not lose our hearts, we shall not lose hope because the Lord said that Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6)
How many times have I questioned myself, even the people around me or even God... WHY ME? Why do I have to experience these things? Why do I get hurt this much? Why do I keep on failing for how many times? What have I not done?
The story of Joseph made me realize that I blame no one for what I have experienced. That those who people who hurt me along the way... I thank you. Because I wouldn't be the Agnes now if those things didn't happen. And it is God's will. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God ( Genesis 45:8 ) and truly everything happens for a reason... but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in Him. ( John 9:3 )
I was looking for love, security and forgiveness... All those things I can only find in Jesus Christ's dying in the cross. See how significant the cross is to us? The cross is greatest demonstration of love. Just think of it, God sent His only son to the earth to suffer in the hands of the humans. He loves us so much that He sacrificed His only Son. Jesus Christ who had no sin took our place for us to be righteous. He redeemed us so that we'll receive the blessing. With that one act all things I have found.
I want to share this to you because like any other people, I was once a slave of sin. But with God, He made me new. And I want you to experience this as well. A life with God everyday is truly a life worth living for :)
That in all things God may be glorified
